Challenging Behavior are a Source of Confusion and Stress

Parents usually ask me what to do with their kids when they are rigid and their tantrums are frequent and intense (lasting for long periods of time and being violent). Often times these kids have to be restrained to prevent them from kicking/punching holes in the walls and hitting others. A parent recently shared with me that her son becomes so aggressive that “his sisters run away from him and hide in the corner because they are scared of him.”  

Some of my recommendations include providing these kids with alternative things to hit and tell them that they can scream as loud as they want but inside their room. These strategies work, sometimes. But kids often refuse them.  So more intrusive strategies have to be implemented. I encourage parents to use distracting techniques. For example, redirecting their children to a coping kit: a box of sensory stuff to play with, such as squishy balls, hand pump, musical instruments, etc. It might take some time but eventually it helps to distract and calming them down.  

I’m not naïve. I know it gets confusing to decide what to do during the “eye” of the storm when the tantrum is at its peak and kids are at their most violent. Challenging behaviors are indeed a source of confusion and stress.

Parents can’t allow kids to bang on the walls/doors, or hit people in the house so sometimes they feel the only thing they can do is restrain them.  On those situations bear hugging them from behind is a good idea.     

Although restraining, distracting and redirecting to alternative activities are the right thing to do, they are not enough. I highly recommend to combine those strategies with highly motivating rewards when kids are not tantrumming and distracting them at the first signs (precursors) of distress to prevent the “storm” all together.  

Talking about their feelings is great. The more verbal communication the less "behavioral" communication. Teach them how to appropriately express wants and needs. And listen to them.

When possible make a plan together with your kids about the schedule of activities. Let's give him some control because otherwise they’ll “fight” for it.   

As difficult as they may seem, kids who seek control and communicate their feelings (even when the communication is through challenging behaviors) have a lot of potential and respond very well to the consistent implementation of effective behavior management strategies. When you withhold rewards contingent on problematic behaviors and consistently reward the non-occurrence of those behaviors they quickly understand that they are missing "the fun."

It is also important in those difficult situations to give them a "do-over" possibility. That way they regain control. Being angry and punishing for the rest of the... (session, day, outing, etc.) will only make the situation worse. The "as soon as you calm down you can play, let me know when you are ready" approach is very powerful.

And remember, tantrums are the best opportunity to teach kids they won't work.   

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

cadatto@tesidea.com

Getting through the Holidays in One Piece

Holidays are again upon us. This ought to be a time of great joy, sharing and spending time with your love ones. However, for those of us with kids, and more so with special needs kids, the holidays can present unique challenges. Holidays can be overwhelming because they cultivate many stressors that may cause a child to erupt: absence of routine, overstimulation, being away from home, and one important one that many of us may overlook – parents’ stress.   Kids are “sponges”: when they sense you are stressed, they can get extremely overwhelmed. Your stress management skills are put to a test, no doubt about it. And it is paramount you pass the test.

So, mom, dad, it is time to review some crucial tips:

-        Being sensitive to your child’s needs and keeping familiar routines in place as much as possible are the best ways to avoid holiday havoc.

-        Prepare your child for the social event: Explain to your child what is going to happen ahead of time. Be specific about every detail that might occur in any given situation. If part of your holiday itinerary includes flies, prepare your child for the crowds he might encounter and explain him about security procedures. Be sure to include the fact that he might be asked to remove his shoes, walk through a “funny machine” and that someone might look through his things. New or unexpected situations can be very frightening for a child with autism and being prepared can help him cope. It may be helpful to create a picture book that will show the sequence of events and prepare him for the sights, sounds and people he might encounter.

-        Prepare the social event for your child: Avoid long trips whenever possible. Airports, planes and long car rides could be very stressful.

-        Stick to your normal routine as much as possible. Keep sleep and meal times as close to their usual time as possible.

-        Bring your child’s favorite snacks with you. Unfamiliar foods will leave your child hungry, which is literally a recipe for disaster.

-        Bring your child’s favorite movie, video game system, sensory and security toys. Having familiar items will give him a sense of normalcy and comfort.

-        Pre arrange for a quiet space for your child to retreat to when stimulus gets too intense and he needs a break.

-        Don’t give in to social expectations (“People are looking at us”) or worry about insulting your host or family members if you don’t abide by social norms. You are your child’s advocate, she is your priority. This means you don’t need to force your child to hug, kiss, shake hands or play games with anyone if they don’t want to. Try to motivate him instead. This goes for clothing as well. Don’t force your child to wear something or comb his hair if he really doesn’t want to. You have to pick your battles. In general terms, don’t force your child to do anything unless it involves a safety concern or an emergency.

-        Educate your family ahead of time if you feel necessary. You can explain to them possible behaviors that might occur so that you don’t find yourself constantly apologizing for your child’s behavior.

-        Know the triggers and read the precursors of challenging behaviors, such as facial expressions, changes in breathing, body movements, etc. Look for the signs that your child may be unraveling and retreat to your safe place. Preventing a meltdown is always easier than managing a tantrum once it begins.

Finally, relax and enjoy. You are your child’s barometer and if you are stressed out, he will be too.

Daniel Adatto

cadatto@tesidea.com

Structure and routine during the summer

“Your daughter officially finished 7^th grade,” said my wife.

“Iujuuuu,” said I.

“No iujuuuu, it means my peace is gone.”

“Oh, oh.”

We are already there. It’s summer and there is no school. Parents’ peace, at least for part of the day, is gone. Behavior problems are creeping in. So it is a good time to review some “summer behavior management strategies.”

Remember: boredom is one of the main culprits of behavior problems in children. The lack of predictability that goes hand in hand with summer and the absence of regular routines can cause stress in children.

Parents usually assume that most children would be happier during the stress-free days of summer. But this isn’t always so. Many children do much better with routines that are more synonymous with the school year. When a child can anticipate what is coming it increases his sense of control and independence and therefore encourages cooperation. Having a familiar routine builds confidence and decreases anxiety.  

But not all is lost just because it is summer. If your child is not attending a summer camp or doesn’t have a daily activity to depend on, it is still possible to build structure and routines into the day. Some useful tips are:

- Maintain times and sequence of events as structured as possible. For example, stick to sleeping and eating routines.

- Since children feel more secure when they know what to expect, it is best to plan the day ahead of time and discuss it your child the day before.

- Build some choices into the day to help your child feel some control and nurture self-esteem.

- If necessary, use visual schedules (pictures, drawings, etc.) to cue a child about what is happening. 

- Present scheduled of activities in a positive manner and try not to be overly rigid. Some flexibility is always necessary. If you remain flexible and adjust your expectations, it will be easier to maintain a stress-free environment for your children.

- Plan physical outlets daily. Kids need to burn energy. Sitting in front of the computer or playing video games for hours long is a recipe for disaster. Planning play-dates at the park or at the beach could be good ideas. Going hiking and bike riding is always fun. 

- Watch what they eat. If your child is not overweight some “junk-food” is OK as long as you balance it with healthy food. Food is the main source of energy. Too much sugar and processed food have a direct effect on mood changes. When in doubt, consult with you pediatrician or a nutritionist.

- Plan some quality one-on-one time with your kids where they are the “boss” and you play with them. 

 

And finally, always include some free time in the day – children need some down time and it can be exhausting to be overly scheduled.

And have a happy summer!

 

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

cadatto@tesidea.com

Another look at stress management

Stresses of everyday life are virtually unavoidable, whether they are job or business worries, family problems, or social stresses. People who feel themselves to be competent are generally able to cope with these stresses and make the proper adjustments, often bringing the problems to satisfactory resolutions. On the other hand, for other people normal stress situations can be overwhelming, not because the challenges are actually so enormous, but because they feel unable to cope with them.

For more information and tips about stress management please see our February 2012 blog

at http://totaleducationsolutions.blogspot.com/search?q=Stress

Today I want to give you another perspective on this important topic.

I recently learned that patience is not equivalent to delay of gratification. Delay of gratification involves a choice to wait. Patience does not always involve a choice to wait or not, patience is deciding how to wait. Instead of changing the situation, patient people change themselves to fit the situation.

As I discussed in previous blogs we, behavior analysts, work on changing the situation, not the person. Environmental variables are arranged to prevent the challenging behaviors and trigger the desired ones. So, how does this definition of patience fit here? How does it apply to parenting?

Modern life requires multitasking, which is proven to lead to high stress and frustration levels, involves a dispersion of minds: doing several things at the same time reduces your capacity to focus. Patience here could be focusing on the priority at any given time. Try to stay focused. When you are engaged in something important (taking care of your kids, for example) nothing else exists (i.e. turn your phone off). Anything not pertinent to the matter does not exist right now. If you’re playing with your kids, feeding them or dealing with a tantrum, your kids are the most important thing at the time; that should be your priority.     

Use your time successfully. You can’t add time, but you can make the most of it. 

Here are some tips:

-        Cut the things you can cut. Unclutter your life.

-        Speak about your worries with somebody else, somebody who will listen without judging.

-        Cast it away, forget about it. You worry if you think about it. If you forget, you don’t worry. Distract yourself with something else, it’s not enough to try “not to think about something”, you need to direct your mind to other matters. When you feel overwhelmed, try playing solitaire on your computer, listen to your favorite song, or read a book you like.

-        Learn to prioritize.

Take care of yourself. That’s the first step.

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

cadatto@tesidea.com  

 

Alternatives to Punishment

I’d like to start this blog defining Punishment/Aversive Behavior Management.

 

First, punishment is doing something unpleasant to an individual in an effort to stop a behavior from occurring.   Therefore, it is likely to produce psychological, emotional and/or physical pain. And this is one of the main reasons why we recommend to stay away from punishment. Especially when talking about parenting your precious kids.  

 

Punishment can be also defined by the behavior of the individual being punished because he/she would avoid or escape from it if given the opportunity.

 

Using punishment is reacting out of frustration. For more information on this topic see our blog “Responding vs. Reacting” by clicking on http://totaleducationsolutions.blogspot.com/2013/08/responding-vs-reacting.html

 

What are the effects of punishment?

 

Stops the behavior for the moment. This is why people use punishment. However, it suppresses but does not eliminate the behavior. This is another reasons why we recommend against it.

 

Punishment puts the parent in the position of trying to control the child’s behavior versus teaching the child to control their own behavior, often resulting in power struggles which cause stress, frustration and anger to the parent.

 

Punishment creates fear, anger and/or resentment, which can result in more severe behavior problems. It teaches that whatever the child is trying to communicate is not important, wrong or bad.

 

In sum, people tend to use punishment because it stops the child’s problem behavior immediately, and therefore reinforces the parents’ punishing behavior. It is also an outlet for the parents’ own frustration and anger.

 

So, what to do instead? What the alternatives to punishment?

 

Positive/Non-aversive behavior management avoids the use of punishment because the goal is to develop or increase the occurrence of the desirable, functional behaviors.

 

Positive behavior management is implemented with a concern for the rights and dignity of the individual; its principles and strategies are acceptable to the general public and thus, can be implemented in community environments.

 

Here are some tips:

 

-  Look at what the person is trying to communicate, and teach another way to communicate it    appropriately.

-  Teach your kids how to cope with their emotions.

-  Set limits on inappropriate behavior.  For more information on Limits Settings go to http://totaleducationsolutions.blogspot.com/2013/02/limits-and-consequences.html

 

 - And always reward positive behavior.

 

Example:

 

a. Alternative communications: “Use your words, tell me that you are angry”.

 

b. Coping skills: “Let’s take some deep breaths. Go in your room and listen to music.”

 

c. Set limits: “It’s not okay to yell at me.”

 

d. Reinforcement: “That’s great that you got mad, but you did not yell!”  “You earned two points today.”

     

Steps to a non-aversive Approach

1. First, validate the child’s feelings: “I know you are mad at me because you want to go outside and I told you ‘No’.”

2. Set limits on the inappropriate behavior: “But you need to follow my directions and stay inside because it is raining.”

3. Provide alternatives to the behavior (look at what the child is trying to communicate and teach them another way): “Now, how about playing with your Legos, or your drawing set?”

4. Grant the child’s wishes in the future: “You will be able to play outside after school tomorrow.” 

5. Reward positive behavior: “It’s great that you got mad but you followed directions.  You earned your sticker.” 

 

Always remember Janet Hackleman’s phrase: “The goal of parents should not be to control their children’s behaviors but to teach them to control themselves.”

 

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

cadatto@tesidea.com

 

 

Five steps to becoming a better cook

I was reading an article about cooking (a hobby of mine) when I realized the recommendations for becoming a better cook were a great analogy to those that I would make to becoming a better parent. If you want to have more successful interactions with your children, either playing, giving instructions or disciplining them, read these recommendations carefully.

1.  Pay attention                                                      

This is the first and most important rule. Put away your cellphone and don’t answer the other phone. Turn off the TV. Facebook will wait. Focus on what you are doing. Be aware. What does the food look like? What does it smell like? How does it sound? These are important hints the dish (child) is giving you (i.e. body language, facial expressions, changes in breathing, etc.). Yes, I’m talking about your interactions with your children. Pay attention to what you are doing. Yelling directions from another room while you are on the phone is not going to be effective. In addition this will lead to frustration because you’ll have to yell louder and repeat the directions countless times. Be present and enjoy parenting. Believe me, it can be wonderful.

2.  Keep it simple

You don’t learn to cook by starting with complex, multi-element dishes. Begin by learning the basics. Repeat them until you are satisfied with the results. Move to another dish only after you’ve mastered the first one. Only by this kind of repetition will you come to understand what is going on during cooking. As a parent, don’t expect to defuse every tantrum and have compliant children 100% of the time. Don’t assume that they know how to behave, or that they understand when you say “Be a good boy.” Don’t give them complex directions that they won’t understand or remember. You might feel good with your long speeches, but they are ineffective. Your kids tune out, it’s too much for them. Keep it simple, one step at the time. Break down complex tasks (clean up your room could be a complex and overwhelming task) into small steps and assist your child to achieve one at the time before moving to the next one. In that way both you and your child will feel successful.

3. Organize

Read the recipe. Then read it again. Figure out what utensils you’re going to need and which ingredients. Cooking at home is different than in a restaurant. It is more efficient to slot in some tasks during the down time when you’d otherwise be standing around. Do as much as you can when your kids are at school. Be ready for when they are back. Learn. Knowledge and information are powerful tools. Not only doesn’t anyone teach us how to be a good parent, but kids don’t come with instructions. Seek professional help, attend parenting classes, read parenting books (and these blogs religiously). Spend some time and energy eliminating clutter in your home and your mind. For more info, read our blog “Stress Management”: http://totaleducationsolutions.blogspot.com/search?q=stress+management)    

4.  Make a commitment

Learning is a process, not a single step. Becoming a good cook is going to take a little time. There is more to it than reading a recipe and following a set of instructions. Don’t become discouraged if your first effort isn’t perfect. Figure out what went wrong, remember it and move along. It will be better the next time.
This is for parenting also. Don’t beat yourself up when you make mistakes. Be consistent and persistent. It will take some time, especially if you are changing your parenting strategies. Make it a priority. It will be more than worth it, I promise.

5. Shop carefully

You can always spot good cooks because they take their time choosing ingredients. Beginners rush through, thinking that cooking begins in the kitchen. It really starts in the market: choose the ripest pieces of fruit, the most colored vegetables, even if you have to sort one piece at the time. Spend extra time choosing the best ingredients and it will save you hours of time cooking. Hurry through and you’ll have to work some kind of crazy kitchen magic just to make something decent enough to eat.
Mindful parents take time to choose the best environment for their children. They get involved in their education. They look for the right books, toys and activities  (including video games). Kids need to spend time outside and burn energy. They benefit enormously from practicing sports. Not only do they get exercise, they learn discipline and friendship. It’s very important that they eat healthy food and they sleep enough. Finding a good pediatrician and pediatric dentist also takes time, research and effort. Everything matters. Think about parenting as a puzzle you need to carefully piece together.

I hope this is helpful to enhance your parenting skills and if not, at least it will make you a better cook.

 

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

cadatto@tesidea.com

 

 

Parents with Special Needs

Are you a parent of a child with special needs? If so, you know how challenging it can be. You are a parent with special needs.

Children with special needs are, first and foremost, children, and thus, they share kids’ basic needs: love, acceptance, care, and support and guidance to overcome challenges. Parenting is arguably the most difficult job on earth. However, the emotional toll you pay due to your child’s deficits and excesses can drain you, making it more challenging than raising a non-special needs child. 

But you are not alone. The state health department, social services agencies, parents support groups, schools and health insurers are there to support you.

When parents learn for the first time that their child has special needs, strong emotions such as denial, anger, fear and/or guilt take over. This is common and understandable. Parents feel alone and worry that their child will have an unhappy life. However, you need to learn to manage your emotions. Some helpful recommendations are:

- Communicating with others about how you feel.

- Seeking help from family, friends and other parents who have kids with special needs. Do not hide. Do not feel ashamed. Your worst mistake could be isolating and pretending that nothing is going on.

 - Learning about children with special needs, effective treatments, and educational and legal rights.

- Taking care of yourself (see previous blogs about Stress Management). It is difficult to help your family and your child if you are stressed, depressed and out of energy. Remember to rest, exercise, eat healthy and relax.

- Seeking counseling if your emotions and responsibilities are overwhelming.

And don’t forget to spend quality time with your child. Be sure to have fun!

Yes, having a child with special needs is challenging. Would you believe me if I tell you it can be rewarding too?

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

Anger Management

In my everyday practice, I see a lot of parents who struggle with anger. I don’t blame them. Having a child with special needs is very challenging, stressful and frustrating. But reacting out of anger only leads to more anger. Thus, this made me think about anger management.

We know that anger is a common emotion. Everybody feels angry from time to time. Different situations or people can make us angry. Even when we may not be able to change that situation or person, we can control our behaviors so we respond to the situation instead of reacting out of anger. The goal is to control and express anger in a positive, safe, appropriate and constructive way. Avoiding anger may not be realistic. Managing anger is the solution. 

In order to manage our anger it is important to know what situations make us angry, where the anger comes from, as well as recognize when the emotion is taking over.

Anger can be expressed in a destructive and hurtful way. Relations can be damaged or destroyed.  Jobs can be lost. Lives can be ruined. This is why it is necessary to develop effective anger management skills in order to promote peaceful and healthy environments and teach our children how to manage their anger too.

Identifying “anger triggers” for us and our child allows us to be equipped to respond in a positive manner. Common triggers are:

For us 
- Children's behavior
- Unexpected events
- Traffic jam
- Relationship problems
- Stress at work
- Health problems
- Financial problems

For children
 - Conflict with other kids
 - Peers rejection
 - Not getting their way
- Delaying gratification
- Waiting
- Being scolded or punished
- Being ignored

By paying attention to our body’s signs, we can “cool down” before losing control. Some signs are:
- Rapid heartbeat
- Tense muscles
- Sweaty palms
- Feeling warm
- Destructive thoughts
- Snapping at people

Children need help to understand and recognize their feelings of anger. Some signs are:
- Yelling or crying
- Throwing things
- Pulling out own hair
- Tightening fists and muscles
- Hitting self or others

I would like to share with you some ideas for “cooling down” in healthy ways:

For us:
- Exercising
- Taking deep breaths
- Time-outs: Removing ourselves from the person or situation that makes us angry
- Writing about feelings
- Going for a walk
- Sleeping/resting
- Talking to a friend or a professional

For our kids:
- Talking to an adult about their feeling: Instead of asking them to stop with the behaviors, open the door to talking, so they can learn a way to vent feelings appropriately
- Playing outside
- Removing them from the person or the environment
- Writing about their feelings
- Time-outs as a way of calming down (not as a punishment)

Anger can be expressed with words. Not communicating anger does not make it go away. It might build up and lead to an “explosion” later.

As we teach our kids effective anger management skills, they become more responsible, develop independence, and learn how to solve problems. 

Remember that our children learn by watching us coping with anger. They learn what they see, not what we tell them to do.

Good parenting involves modeling good behaviors. We have to know how to behave, so our kids will too.

 

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

 

 

When parents get involved in ABA the results are amazing!

There is so much research on the benefits of early intervention for children on the autism spectrum that we often forget that parents are really the first line of defense in the uphill battle. Parents can be the strongest influence in modifying a child's behavior when they understand the principles of behavior modification and implement them consistently. Extensive research shows that home-based therapies may be more beneficial to children with autism if therapists also provide parent support and parent training. Many parents reported that learning to use the ABA techniques not only helps their children but it helps them and the rest of the family.

But there are difficulties. As therapists that work with children with special needs we face the challenge of motivating parents and caregivers to implement the therapeutic advice we offer.  Learning the techniques and following through consistently takes a significant commitment on the part of parents, many of whom are already stressed and stretched to the limits. It helps if the therapist approaches the challenge of training parents with compassion and understanding while at the same time treating them professionally, as if they are the client, not just their child. Take into consideration that the same ABA principles and techniques we use in behavior plans for children work with parents also – rewarding desirable behaviors, consistency and persistency, effective instruction and environmental manipulations. 

Some tips on how to implement a parent-training program:

·       Parents need to be motivated. Praising them for their efforts and commitment is crucial. It helps to say “Good Job, mom”, or “You are doing a great job in taking care of your child and advocating on his behalf”. Keep in mind that we reinforce successive approximations towards the goal. We want to reward direction, not perfection.

·       Make it simple. Break complex concepts and techniques into small, more reachable units, and teach each unit until mastered. Provide sufficient modeling, examples and opportunities for turning the theory into practice. If necessary, go to the grocery store and show mom how to handle her child’s behaviors. Provide parents with audiovisual materials, such as research, articles, books, and videos. One thing is to understand the theory. It is another thing is to be able to apply that theory to real-life situations.

·       Consistency and Persistency: People do not learn overnight. Be patient. You will need to repeat the lesson several times. Do not get frustrated when parents reject your ideas and advice. They might need time to assimilate the new strategies. 

·       Environmental Manipulations: Parents are not able to implement a behavior plan if they have a full work schedule; if they are currently dealing with an emergency or a crisis, such as an illness or a divorce; if their lives are cluttered; or if they are extremely stressed. Helping them with time/stress management could be crucial in ensuring the success of the program. In some cases, we may need to suggest seeking professional help, taking time off work, changing jobs, getting help and support from family members and/or community sources.

When parents get “on board” the results are amazing. After all, what can be better than 24/7 therapy.

 

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

 

 

Can a child be “a little” autistic?

Parents often ask us if their child can be “a little” autistic. The truth is there really is not a clear answer. There are many terms used for children who do not have a full-blown diagnosis of autism. Some examples of these are autistic-like, on the autism spectrum, displaying autistic-like symptoms. These often refer to children who may exhibit some of the symptoms on the autism checklist but not all. Displaying one or two autism symptoms is not always cause for concern but does raise a red flag and should be checked by a professional.
One can infer that for every kid who receives an actual autism diagnosis, there is another who has autistic traits - including repetitive behaviors and communication problems – but is not found to have autism spectrum disorder. For a diagnosis to be made, a child must exhibit a certain number and severity-level of these characteristics. In other words, not every child with social impairment can be characterized as autistic. But on the flip side, many children can suffer from autistic traits on a level that is in fact impairing even though they may not meet the full criteria. The good news is that Applied Behavior Analysis treatment, which is proven to be the most effective intervention for children with autism spectrum disorder, can also be used to effectively treat any behavior disorder as well as to teach critical skills that a child may be lacking.

A parent’s gut feeling is often the best indication. Parents should follow their instincts and talk to a professional if they have trouble in any of the following symptoms:

·        Impaired social interaction or difficulty forming relationships

·        Trouble responding to social cues

·        Inability to understand give and take activities like sharing

·        Shows extreme distress over minor changes in routine

·        Problems with verbal and non-verbal communication

·        Failure to respond to name

·        Avoidance of eye contact with other people

·        Repetitive movements such as rocking, hands flapping or twirling

·        Self-abusive behavior such as biting or head-banging

 Applied Behavior Analysis is a scientific system of principles and techniques aimed at understanding and changing behavior. Any behavior: eating disorders, addictions, outbursts, domestic violence, relationship problems, crime, stress, etc., etc.

Also, and probably more important, is a system to teach skills. Any skill: learning skills, social interactions, stress management, anger management, productivity and motivation in the work place, etc., etc.

Challenging behaviors are means of communication: your son is telling you something when he throws a tantrum. By understanding what he needs, we teach functional skills (replacement behaviors) that are socially appropriate, thus eliminating the need for crying and screaming.

If you mom or dad are concerned about your child’s behaviors, we can help. We know how. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though you may not be able to see it now.

Daniel Adatto, BCBA

Stress Management

The TV show “60 minutes” presented a segment the other day about some monks living in a monastery at the top of a hill on a Mediterranean island. They hardly speak, consistently follow a scheduled routine, pray and are stress free. Great! I finally found the solution, I thought. While I was packing my suitcases the commentator described the specifics of their lives. At one point he explained “they have no contact with the outside world, no phones, no internet, NO TV”. What? NO TV? No way, I’m not going. I’d rather live a stressful life than give up on TV. After all, without TV, how would I have learned about the monks?

After I caught my breath again, I remembered a parenting class about stress management that I used to teach. Perhaps monk-hood isn't the only option after all. 

One cannot expect a stress free life. Work, kids, paying the bills, health, traffic, you name it. The secret of happy people (yes, there are happy people somewhere out there, that was another “60 Minutes”) lies in managing your stress.  And this is especially relevant when you are a parent. Nervous parents create nervous children. When a parent is tense, children pick up on that tension and it is reflected back in their behaviors. When parents can learn to relax, it can have a profound effect on their children. We often think that to be a good parent we have to focus all our attention and energy on our kids. Yet experts say that taking time for ourselves is one of the best things we can do for our families.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult and demanding jobs. Yet, nobody teaches us how to be a parent. Being able to relax and enjoy the moment is paramount in being a more effective parent. Learn to relax and it can change the whole tone of your household.

If you don’t acknowledge and deal with your stress, it can lead to anxiety, depression, ulcers, emotional breakdown, and deterioration of relationships, addictions, sleeping and eating problems, which in turn will increase the stress level causing a snow ball effect.

Again, stress cannot be eliminated but it can be managed. Keep in mind that you not only have to manage your stress, but your children’s stress too.  

I learnt to take breaks to relax and recharge my batteries. Yes, taking breaks is a skill we should master. I take small breaks (10 to 15 minutes) between activities usually every 2-3 hours throughout my day, in particular before and after “stressful” events, such as a difficult meeting at work, or after being at the dentist. Even if I only have a few minutes to spare I take advantage of those minutes by sitting down, sipping a cup of coffee or tea, having a little walk at the park, clearing my head and taking deep breaths.

I also take medium breaks (1 to 2 hours). I take these breaks at least once a day even if it is just relaxing in front of the TV or with a good book after the kids went to sleep. I love large breaks: Imaging an entire day for yourself! I take these breaks at least 2-3 times per month, preferably, once a week. And finally, I’m crazy about extra-large breaks: 3 to 5 days minimum. Plan a VACATION! You deserve it.

What can you do during those breaks? Make a list of relaxing activities that you enjoy. If you put it in writing, you are more likely to actually take the time to enjoy your breaks.

The only way to ensure that you will get needed breaks is to schedule these breaks in advance. If you wait until you have time it will never happen – something will always come up. You don’t wait until your car runs out of gas to stop and fill the tank. Don’t you deserve at least the same treatment than your car?

Do not try to do it all by yourself. Delegate and seek appropriate support and professional help when necessary. And learn to say “NO”, Do not overextend yourself.  

Important: “NOT TO DO” lists: Eliminate the clutter in your mind and in your environment. Too much “stuff” in your head and around you takes away your energy. Decide what you are going to stop doing and keep a separate list to remind yourself. For example, schedule specific times to read and answer emails, and let the voice mail answer your calls. If you jump to your email as soon as you hear “You’ve Got Mail”, you’ll never finish anything. When tasks “not done yet” accumulate it can be very stressful.

Attention: Expecting your hungry kids to wait until you to finish your call it’s a sure disaster. Make your calls when they are hypnotized in front of the TV or playing with Daddy. 

If all of the above is not enough, seek professional help through your primary physician, local social services agencies, hospitals or religious/community centers. Don’t wait until is too late. 

The manner in which you manage your stress greatly influences your children’s level of stress, which in turn prevents behavioral problems. Learning to relax can change the entire nature of your family dynamic.

Or move with the monks.

Daniel Adatto, MA, BCBA

A Day Off From Autism

My wife recently told me about a mom she follows on Twitter who posted a tweet the other day asking God if her 11-year old son could please have a day off from his life with Asperger’s Syndrome, and while he was at it, could she too. It got me wondering how many other moms would love a day off; a day off from being a mom of a child with a special need. And, why not, a day off from being a mom.  Parenting is a blessing, but it is stressful. I don’t think there is anyone who would disagree. We all could use some time to just be ourselves, to not have someone else dependent on us, to not be needed for a little while, to have the freedom to complete a task without being interrupted. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. 

When a family has a child with autism, there are even more unique stressors. Research indicates that parents of children with autism experience greater stress than parents of children with intellectual disabilities or other special needs. A child with autism may not be able to express love, making it more difficult for parents, because that moment when we see our child happy, when she gives us a hug and a kiss, is when we replenish our batteries.  Children with autism may not even be able to express their basic needs, leaving parents to guess why their child is crying. Is she thirsty? Hungry? Does something hurt? When parents cannot determine their child's needs, both parent and child are left feeling frustrated. A child’s frustration leads to behavior problems and then we’ve entered a vicious cycle, adding even more stress to the parent.

Other reasons for increased stress for families with a child with autism can include feelings of isolation, fear of reactions from society, feelings of grief or inadequacy, concerns over finances and what the future holds, and the challenges of navigating through the system of services.

While unfortunately we can’t give our children a day off from their disorder, we can provide them with an environment where they can feel a sense of belonging, understanding and acceptance by, for example, attending events for children with autism and their families, such as organized play-dates, parents support groups, parent trainings, conferences, etc. These events are not only good for the child, but they are a wonderful experience for parents. It provides comfort to know that you are not the only one experiencing a particularly stressful situation. In addition, parents can get the most useful advice from others facing similar challenges and using similar services and supports.

Don’t isolate yourself, get informed, learn the system, and don’t forget to take care of yourself. Yes, first.

Coming up: “Stress Management.” Don’t  miss it.

Daniel Adatto, BCBA