Communication is paramount in the relationship with your
children, or any healthy relationship for that matter. A lack of communication
or deficits in this area can lead to problematic behaviors. Children face a lot
of pressure and many emotions. They don’t always know how to express these
emotions but the “pressure” has to come out somehow. If they don’t have the
right tools to express themselves, problems can arise and it will start to
manifest itself in the form of challenging behaviors.
This is even more so when it comes to children with special
needs. If children did not learn the necessary skills, they will resort to
methods that worked during the time they were babies: crying, screaming,
throwing things, etc. As a child gets older and stronger, this can be
incredibly problematic.
For this reason teaching and encouraging functional
communication should be a key component of any school and parenting program.
An essential component of effective communication is to listen.
This helps to make children feel comfortable and secure: you care about their
feelings and needs, you respect their point of view, and you are interested in
what they have to say.
As teachers and parents we can take important steps to build
healthy communication repertoires. Both ways. I mean, you are talking and listening
to them and at the same time you are teaching them how to talk and listen. How
many times you felt as if they were not listening to you? Well, they felt the
same. Every time you feel the other person is not listening to you is because
you are not listening as well. Think about the other person as a mirror that
reflects your image. So, the best way to get the other to listen, is to start
listening.
Parents, teachers and caregivers can show and teach positive
communication skills by:
Listen patiently before disciplining your kids. Instead of
asking them to stop, encourage communication, even if they need to scream and
cry for a little while. They probably need to vent, let the anger out before
they talk about the problem. And do not interrupt or criticize when they are
communicating. Keep in mind that communication is not only words. Crying,
gestures, facial expressions, breathing patterns are all means of communication
as well.
Do not rush to give solutions or directions, in many cases
venting is what the other person needs.
Clarify the situation by paraphrasing what your child is
saying. Repeat back to your child what he said. This helps your child feel that
you are listening.
Give them the opportunity to solve the problem by
themselves, coach them in the right direction so they feel they discover the
solution.
Encourage your children to express their opinions by just
responding “Yes” or “Really?” Ask them open-ended questions such as “How would
you feel if that would happened to you?”, or “What is the right thing to do?”
If needed provide them with 2-3 choices.
Speak calmly, especially during stressful situations. This
is a skill difficult to achieve, but it can go a long way. When they are
stressed they need you to calm them down rather than stress them further.
Do not discuss discipline during stressful situations, such
as when your child is hungry, tired, or upset. Deescalate the situation and
wait for a good moment to discuss behaviors and solutions.
Use a positive language. Instead of telling your kids what
not to do (i.e. “Stop screaming”) tell them what to do (i.e. “If you use your
words I can understand you and help you”).
Focus on the behaviors, not the person. For example, instead
of saying “You are a bad boy because you don’t want to clean up” try “Your room
is messy, please, clean up your toys.”
It is important to teach your children that it is okay to
disagree or be upset, as long as they express their opinions and feelings in an
appropriate manner. Emotions are always okay, behaviors can be problematic.
Validate their feelings by saying “You seem very upset”, or “You are mad, and I
understand why”, for example.
Create opportunities to communicate with your children by:
Read to them: ask questions about the story, make comments,
and relate the story to real life situations.
Have family outings for the purpose of spending time
together.
Make time to play with them, preferably daily.
Have at least one family meal a day and encourage
conversations between all family members. Remember, kids learn what they see,
not what you told them. Adults conversing can be a strong model for your kids.
Be sure to make eye contact when talking to your children.
Giving instructions or asking questions from the other room or while talking on
the phone? Not a good idea.
I would like to recommend some good books about this
subject:
“How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your
kids will talk”, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
‘Raising your spirited child”, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
“Everyday opportunities for extraordinary parenting”, Bobbi
Conner.
In summary, the best approach to listening and talking is to
do so in the way you would like the other person to listen and talk to you. This
is the healthiest way.
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